single life | thirty-somethings

disappearing acts and my two-date curse

by vivaciousdeb

I suppose it’s time for me to give an update on Mr. C&C. I’ve been postponing my update because I’m a little irritated by it. Whatever, it’s time to get it out. We ended up going out on a second “date.” We had coffee and we paid for our own drinks. Is that even considered a date? I guess. It went well though. No awkward silences, conversation flowed, and we laughed at each others jokes. However, I still felt he wasn’t into me.

The date ended in a hug. We texted a bit later on that night and he said he wanted to go out a third time. That was when I started getting a little excited. I thought maybe he actually was into me and I’d finally break my two date curse. We talked for another day or so but the ever-so-dreaded disappearing act happened (other online daters know exactly what I’m talking about). I had stopped messaging him as much as I had been and he stopped messaging me all together.

Why did he mention hanging out a third time if he had no intention of following through? Now I keep thinking about what I did wrong. What could I have done differently? We ran into one of my guy friends and I introduced Mr. C&C as my friend. It was an accident, it totally slipped but when I asked my friend if I should address it he said no. If it was an issue, I guess Mr. C&C wouldn’t have asked me out for a third time. Or maybe it was the fact that I stopped putting in the effort, but if he was legitimately interested, he would put in the effort. Right? I’m not a very flirty person….maybe I could have been more flirtatious.

I’m frustrated and feeling discouraged. I’m having one of those “I’m really tired of being single” moments. It doesn’t happen all the time but that feeling creeps up every so often. Go away icky feeling, you are no longer wanted.

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i just want to feel wanted

by vivaciousdeb

I’ve been in a little bit of a funk lately. I think it’s about time I try and sort through these thoughts of mine.

Wanting to feel wanted applies to many aspects of my life. Not just dating; although, the point of my post is about the dating aspect, I think.

I’m not a fan of my job; actually…I kind of hate it. But, it is what it is. I’m (hopefully) going to start grad school in the fall, so things will change soon! I don’t feel like I’m needed/wanted there. I don’t feel challenged. I feel that everything would be just fine if I wasn’t there.

With my friends, I just want to feel that they think about me when they hang out and want me to join them so they call me and invite me. Even if it is last minute. I just want to know that I crossed somebody’s mind.

Even in my dating life…I want to feel wanted. I was recently at one of my friends house and her boyfriend was there. Throughout the night, he referred to her as beautiful, pretty, sexy, and maybe a couple other words describing how good looking she is. I love that she’s with somebody like that. She deserves it. I’ve never had that though. I’ve never had a man I’m seeing say that to me. Is that weird? I think it is. It’s no wonder why I don’t ever feel sexy, nobody has ever made me feel attractive. I know I’m not super mega attractive but I know I’m not ugly.

Every now and again, I’ll get an occasional “you have such a gorgeous smile!” Yeah, I know. Thanks.

I want a guy to look at me and for me to feel he wants to rip off my clothes. Obviously not all of the time, but every now and again…at least. Is that for real? Or is that something that’s just in books I read or movies I watch?

Maybe I need to learn how to feel sexy before I expect somebody else to find me sexy. I don’t know how exactly I can do that. I’ll do some research.

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Mr. Calm and Collected – Part 2

by vivaciousdeb

The time has come for me to meet Mr. Calm and Collected. It’s been exactly one month and a day since we started talking. I’ve never been so nervous meeting somebody. I really like him.

Butterflies are a little out of control. I kind of feel like an asshole because I may or may not have forced him to meet me. Maybe not forced but I definitely made it very clear I wanted to meet him this week. He knows how much I love disney, so we’re going to downtown disney.

So, it’s happening. So many questions are going through my head…what if he doesn’t like me? What if I don’t like him? What if he doesn’t find me attractive? What if there’s no chemistry? GAH!

This is how I feel right now (this isn’t me btw):

I’m off to get ready. Let’s hope for an awesome date!

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dreaded questions

by vivaciousdeb

Obviously when you’re getting to know somebody…you ask many questions. Sometimes you don’t really know what to ask or say and you end up asking something ridiculous. Here’s a list of questions I absolutely despise:

1. What do you look for in a guy? Okay, so I understand the meaning behind this question but I really don’t know how to answer it. Sometimes I just want to say: “I don’t know, somebody decent enough to be in a relationship.” I don’t want to sit there and list all of the things I’m looking for in a guy. I also have a short little paragraph written in my profile about some things I’m looking for.

2. When was the last time you were in a relationship? Honestly, why does that even matter? I’m sure it’s because you want to see if I’m not over an ex or something. But it’s super awkward answering that question. Why? Because I’ve never really had a long term relationship. I’ve had very short relationships (and not many at that). Does that make me weird? I don’t know. I had a guy ask me that and then later referred back to me never being in a relationship as if I was some kind of freak.

3. What do you do for fun? I know I wrote about this in my last post. This one is awkward for me because I do all sorts of random things. I do whatever comes up.

4. Why are you single? Now, this is by far my LEAST favorite question. I hate it. This question is usually following some sort of compliment: “Wow, you’re so awesome. Why are you single?” Listen dude, if I knew WHY I was single, I wouldn’t be single! Are you expecting me to say some crazy ass reason? Like…”Oh I’m actually a psychopath and I enjoy killing small animals.” (This isn’t true just FYI). Why does there have to be a reason, anyways? I’m single and that’s that. Get off my case.

I’d love to hear what other questions you all don’t like being ask! I’m sure I’m missing quite a few.

dating life in all its glory single life

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dating myself

by vivaciousdeb

I’m generally not a fan of making New Years resolutions but I will be making a couple this year. One of which is: I promise to date myself.

This topic is something I’ve talked a lot about with a couple of friends of mine.

One question I always get asked by guys is “So what do you like to do for fun?” And I surprisingly never really know how to answer it! What do I like doing for fun? I mean, I know I love watching movies. What else? Ummm…I love going to concerts but I don’t go very often because it gets expensive. I also like going to sporting events but don’t go to those as often as I’d like for the same reason as concerts.

I have an incredible group of friends that I hang out with almost every weekend. What do we do? Generally just hang out doing whatever comes up that weekend. Or I’ll go to some sort of family event or hang out with my parents. One thing I know for sure is: I have a good time no matter what I do.

I think it’s time I start doing things to get a better sense of myself. I’d love to be able to answer such a simple question with ease. Dating myself will also help me get in touch with what I really want in a significant other. I need to get a sense of what exactly makes me happy. It’s time for me to feel comfortable enough doing things on my own before I can expect to share some of those experiences with somebody else.

I think it’s really important to continue dating yourself regardless of your relationship status. So many people lose a sense of who they are because they become so overly involved with their significant other and then BAM all of a sudden you realize how unhappy you are and how you’ve somehow lost a part of who you are.

My younger sister has started a year long challenge: every week she’s going to try something different. I think it’s a brilliant idea! I’m not going to completely copy her but I am going to follow her footsteps and say I really want to step out of my comfort zone more often! I want to do more with my life. Stay tuned for updates on how awesome it is dating myself.

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do I dare?

by vivaciousdeb

I’ve been speaking to this pretty awesome guy for about 3 weeks. I’m going to nickname him Mr. Calm and Collected. He’s very poised, calm, proper, and all around fantastic! He has a good job, he’s good looking, family oriented, and other great stuff!

We’ve exchanged a lot of messages and even though we haven’t met yet, I have a major crush on him. Every time I get a message from him I feel like a little school girl because I get all giddy (ridiculous, I know). We’ve briefly talked about us hanging out in the future but no plans have been made. I did tell him initially that I like taking my time getting to know a person so is he respecting that? I’m sure he is. How long is too long?

I’m beginning to get very anxious! I want to meet him already.

Which brings me to the point of my post…do I ask him out if he doesn’t do it? How long should I wait? I mean, he’s got to be interested if he’s invested so much time in getting to know me, right???

On one side, I’m very traditional in the sense that I feel a guy should be the one to initiate the asking out (I know I may get some uproar about this) but on the flip side I’m a feminist and I believe there shouldn’t be an expectation of one person like that.

I’d love to hear what you all think!

dating life in all its glory OkCupid Real Life single life

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yet another award….

by vivaciousdeb

The award this week is: DOUCHE BAG OF THE WEEK. In my very first post, I wrote about that guy that wanted to jump into a relationship after a couple of dates and how I shouldn’t have been so damn surprised about him being controlling and possessive.

I’m the one that broke up with him because he was a little nuts. So anyways, I got a message from him on OkCupid. Him messaging me isn’t even the worst part…HE DIDN’T EVEN REMEMBER ME!

Our conversation was as follows (my commentary included):

Him: “good evening, hi how are you? I liked your profile very much and know we would get along great. we share allot in common and enough differences to make it fun. let’s take the time and get to know one another.”

Me: (I’m thinking this dude HASSSSSS to be playing some sort of joke on me, obviously I have to respond to make sure). “wow. is this a joke? or do you really not remember me?”

Him: “I just moved back here from NY … did we meet?”

Me: (He must’ve moved there after him and I had our fling as it was just about a year ago) “yeah…about a year ago.”

Him: “Lol really no way. What happened?”

Me: (WOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!) “wow…lol. clearly i made a wonderful impression. just didn’t work out.”

Him: “Why didn’t it work out?”

At this point I don’t want to respond because clearly he’s a dipshit and it’s a waste of my time. After not responding for nearly 30 minutes, he says:

Him: “lol ok maybe you just didn’t find me attractive interesting or stimulating 🙂
In any case I wish you the best since your still on the dating site.”

WHAT THE HELL! Hey jerkoff, you’re controlling…and possessive…and non-gentleman like…and just plain weird. And just a reminder, YOU’RE still on the dating site too!

Ugh. How could he not remember?!?!?

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eager beaver

by vivaciousdeb

I’ve been exchanging messages with this young fellow I’ve nicknamed eager beaver since December 23rd. We’ve been texting for about 4-5 days now. He’s very attentive, he compliments me (which unfortunately doesn’t happen very often in general…so it’s really nice!), he has a good job, lives with roommates, all in all…he’s a pretty cool guy. We were supposed to go out on Sunday but I wasn’t feel well.

We decided we were going to go out today but now he isn’t feeling well. I don’t really know what’s going to happen.

I’m afraid the physical attraction just isn’t going to be there so I really want to meet him already and get it over with. I’m afraid he likes me a lot more than I like him. He’s constantly telling me how excited he is to meet me and how awesome I am. Don’t get me wrong, I like hearing these things…but geez! He needs to calm down.

I’m nervous about meeting him. It needs to happen ASAP.

dating life in all its glory OkCupid single life

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fixing my picker

by vivaciousdeb

I take college classes for “fun” because I feel it’s extremely important to keep learning. I came across one of the most incredible professors I’ve ever come across. This post is because of him. I did NOT come up with the title nor this idea, it’s all him. I give him all the credit.

He gave us many life lessons and I loved every minute of it. One day he blew my mind with one simple statement: “most people put more effort into buying a car than picking a mate.” I didn’t believe it at first and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. IT’S SO TRUE!

If it wasn’t…I wouldn’t have an endless amount of friends, acquaintances, and whoever else I’ve come across…continuously get themselves in really shitty relationships. There’s usually a trend: why do girls keep going back to guys that keep breaking their hearts? It’s usually because they hope they’re going to change. But let’s face it…most of time they don’t (this really goes for men and women). I’m not by any means saying nobody is capable of change. I’m just saying the majority of people don’t. Yet…we all fall into these traps and/or trends, wishing and hoping they’re going to be different from the last time.

My professor said we need to have a list of things we want in a mate. Just as we would when we buy a car, there are things that are must-haves (whatever is non-negotiable), optional (would be nice but not absolutely necessary), and lastly deal-breakers (no way, no how. It’s not happening!) That way we can evaluate who the person is and avoid any future breakups or heartaches.

Now it’s time to put my list out in the open.

Must-Haves

wants children/family oriented
appreciates/encourages education
ambitious
appreciates/encourages humanitarian efforts
honest
ability to compromise
sense of humor
loyal
lives a somewhat healthy/active lifestyle
loves sex
supportive
faithful

Optional:

never married
no kids
college degree
loves amusement parks
loves to travel

Deal-Breakers

unwilling to live a somewhat healthy lifestyle
unable to talk about emotions
doesn’t want children
controlling
doesn’t want to get married
rude and inconsiderate
uses drugs of any kind including marijuana

These are the things that I thought of off the top of my head. There may or may not be more.

If only everybody took the time to make a list and follow it.

Real Life single life

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real beauty?

by vivaciousdeb

Not too long ago, a good friend of mine (who follows this blog, so I know he’ll read this) made me really think because of a comment he made. He said “so, you and I wouldn’t be able to date because I’m not tall enough for you?” (see https://vivaciousdeb.com/2012/12/17/lowering-my-standards/) I know he wasn’t coming onto me, he was just making a point. We talked about it a bit and he continued to tell me “I always look passed the looks before anything else.” Granted, he’s also a very good looking guy and I’m pretty sure he can get any girl he wants. But that’s besides the point.

I mean, don’t get me wrong…I’m not 100% concerned about looks but as I mentioned before, height is a very important factor for me when choosing a guy. He asked me why. I actually hesitated to answer (because I guess I wasn’t even too sure why) and said “well, it’ll just look awkward and it makes me feel better.” As soon as I said that, I came to the immediate realization that it’s ALL in my head! I’m a big girl so I just feel that it’ll make me feel better if I was with somebody taller and bigger than me.

am I that insecure?

Apparently, I am! I dunno, I’m really starting to reevaluate my standards. Being the size that I am…I automatically get disqualified because let’s face it…nobody wants to date a fatty. Unless you’re a chubby chaser, but that’s a different story.

Anyways, I’ve lost weight. I’m starting to feel much better about myself physically, which is wonderfully! I know I’m an awesome person, I’ve always been told I have a great personality. But how will a guy know that if he doesn’t give me a chance? He’s missing out on being with somebody that could potentially make him really happy.

My point to all this rambling is: who am I to judge somebody by their height? Or weight? Or anything like that because I know I’m not the best looking person in the world (also not the worst looking). But I know for a fact that I am a genuinely good person with a good heart and could make somebody really happy, I just need a chance to show it.

How can I expect somebody to give me that chance, if I don’t give other guys that chance? I need to give somebody else that courtesy. I need to look passed these superficial qualities and focus on what’s important.

I’m going to really sit down and make a list of things I’m looking for and post it on here for everybody to see. I’m going to put a lot of effort into it so stay tuned, folks!

With all that being said….I’d also like to point out….that I don’t ONLY look for tall/big guys lol. There are other things that are very important to me, such us: being family oriented, love learning, somewhat healthy, honest, blah blah. I just wanted to throw that out there before anybody says there are more important things than being tall and what not. I’m very aware of that.

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