thirty-somethings

I looked up the definition of heartache on urban dictionary, and these were my favorite (and most accurate) finds: 

1. Emotional pain; the horrible feeling of a black hole sitting in your chest where your heart should be. Other feelings one may experience include a inability to catch one’s breath and getting all choked up. 
2. That gnawing feeling that tells you that you will never love any other as much as you loved the asswipe responsible for your broken heart.
3. When there is some kind of giant, spiked ball locked inside your body, stabbing at your insides whenever you move. Sometimes you find yourself crouching over or clutching at your chest because this immense feeling seems to be taking your breath away.
4. A feeling of helplessness or rejection

All of these are a pretty accurate description to how I’m feeling right about now. I broke things off with Mr. I on Saturday. All week long I kept replaying our last conversation on how he couldn’t even answer whether or not he was happy with me and how he needed a break and basically how I suck as a human being. Okay, maybe not that last one….but that’s how I felt. So I thought, why would I force somebody to be with me if that’s how he felt? I needed to break it off. I cried. I couldn’t concentrate on my work so I left early. I had a friends birthday thing that day that I had decided I wasn’t going to go to but I figured I should go because I’m sure that would be better than me sitting on my ass at home and crying myself to sleep. It was a good feeling to be around friends. I came home a little tipsy and fell asleep relatively quickly. 

The next morning I woke up with an empty feeling and a knot in my chest. Mr. I and I talked on the phone soon after that but never in a million years did i think I was going to feel worse than how I did when I woke up. Naive thinking? Probably. I asked him if breaking up is what he really wanted and he responded with “No, I didn’t want it but I need it.” I basically made a fool of myself by begging him to get back with me while I’m bawling my eyes out. 

I didn’t work. He said he wasn’t happy and even if we made the promise that we would be better to each other, it still wouldn’t work out in the end. I mean, a part of me agrees. There were many things that I settled on. I turned a blind eye to. I thought it would be okay because we loved each other. Is it probably for the best that this happened? Probably. Does this mean it hurts any less? Absolutely not. 

Luckily, I have an incredible support system that has been wonderful and has really helped me with getting through this awful transition. 

And this, ladies and gentleman is my first heart break. My first love has come and gone and it’s quite the shitty situation. The man I wanted to marry, the man I wanted to have babies with. He’s gone.  

I apologize for such a depressing post, I really needed to get my feelings out in the open. 

Yes, I know it will get better. Yes, I know this feeling will go away. But, all I know is that what I’m feeling right now is a feeling I would never wish upon my worst enemy.