thirty-somethings

life in all its glory

heartache

I looked up the definition of heartache on urban dictionary, and these were my favorite (and most accurate) finds: 

  1. Emotional pain; the horrible feeling of a black hole sitting in your chest where your heart should be. Other feelings one may experience include a inability to catch one’s breath and getting all choked up. 
  2. That gnawing feeling that tells you that you will never love any other as much as you loved the asswipe responsible for your broken heart.
  3. When there is some kind of giant, spiked ball locked inside your body, stabbing at your insides whenever you move. Sometimes you find yourself crouching over or clutching at your chest because this immense feeling seems to be taking your breath away.
  4. A feeling of helplessness or rejection

All of these are a pretty accurate description to how I’m feeling right about now. I broke things off with Mr. I on Saturday. All week long I kept replaying our last conversation on how he couldn’t even answer whether or not he was happy with me and how he needed a break and basically how I suck as a human being. Okay, maybe not that last one….but that’s how I felt. So I thought, why would I force somebody to be with me if that’s how he felt? I needed to break it off. I cried. I couldn’t concentrate on my work so I left early. I had a friends birthday thing that day that I had decided I wasn’t going to go to but I figured I should go because I’m sure that would be better than me sitting on my ass at home and crying myself to sleep. It was a good feeling to be around friends. I came home a little tipsy and fell asleep relatively quickly. 

The next morning I woke up with an empty feeling and a knot in my chest. Mr. I and I talked on the phone soon after that but never in a million years did i think I was going to feel worse than how I did when I woke up. Naive thinking? Probably. I asked him if breaking up is what he really wanted and he responded with “No, I didn’t want it but I need it.” I basically made a fool of myself by begging him to get back with me while I’m bawling my eyes out. 

I didn’t work. He said he wasn’t happy and even if we made the promise that we would be better to each other, it still wouldn’t work out in the end. I mean, a part of me agrees. There were many things that I settled on. I turned a blind eye to. I thought it would be okay because we loved each other. Is it probably for the best that this happened? Probably. Does this mean it hurts any less? Absolutely not. 

Luckily, I have an incredible support system that has been wonderful and has really helped me with getting through this awful transition. 

And this, ladies and gentleman is my first heart break. My first love has come and gone and it’s quite the shitty situation. The man I wanted to marry, the man I wanted to have babies with. He’s gone.  

I apologize for such a depressing post, I really needed to get my feelings out in the open. 

Yes, I know it will get better. Yes, I know this feeling will go away. But, all I know is that what I’m feeling right now is a feeling I would never wish upon my worst enemy. 

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6 Comments »

Hmph.

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This pretty much sums me up right now.

2 Comments »

break time

so it seems as though Mr. “Incredible” wants to take a break from our relationship. Why, you ask? Well, because he wants to be able to focus on his work more. Cop-out? Yes, I think so. Only because I asked him if him losing focus on his work was because of me and he said no. So why does he need to take a break from me then? He says it’ll be good for us. I corrected him and said, no…don’t include me in that equation…if you’re the one that wants a break then say it’s good for YOU not US. 

I’m so incredibly frustrated and hurt that I can’t even begin to describe all of my thoughts. 

I know in my last post I mentioned that my next post was going to be about not being in the honeymoon phase anymore. It’s been some time now that Mr. “Incredible” and I have been having our disagreements. He sees them as arguments, I totally don’t. He’s just unable to have any sort of serious conversation because he feels like we’re fighting. Annoying? Yes. 

For quite some time now, I’ve been feeling that maybe my feelings for him were stronger than the feelings he has for me. I totally believe that’s a recipe for disaster. To me that basically means, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. Him? Not so much, obviously…since he’s the one that wants to take a break. 

A part of me wants to break it off because why would I want to be with somebody that wants to take a break? He couldn’t even answer the question “Do I make you happy?” Talk about a slap in the face, huh? He said he didn’t know but I told him it’s a simple answer. Apparently, he disagrees. 

I tried getting more clarification as to what “taking a break” means, I mean…we’ve all seen that Friends episode where Ross and Rachel take a break and he hooks up with somebody and she gets upset. He just kept saying he didn’t know what he wanted. WHAT THE FUCK! talk about frustrating. 

I know not all breaks lead to break ups but, I think it’s heading in that direction. 

He said he was going to call me “later.” Whatever the fuck that means. 

I’m could be writing this prematurely…as I’m basically writing this out of anger. 

3 Comments »

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