December | 2012 | thirty-somethings

fixing my picker

by vivaciousdeb

I take college classes for “fun” because I feel it’s extremely important to keep learning. I came across one of the most incredible professors I’ve ever come across. This post is because of him. I did NOT come up with the title nor this idea, it’s all him. I give him all the credit.

He gave us many life lessons and I loved every minute of it. One day he blew my mind with one simple statement: “most people put more effort into buying a car than picking a mate.” I didn’t believe it at first and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. IT’S SO TRUE!

If it wasn’t…I wouldn’t have an endless amount of friends, acquaintances, and whoever else I’ve come across…continuously get themselves in really shitty relationships. There’s usually a trend: why do girls keep going back to guys that keep breaking their hearts? It’s usually because they hope they’re going to change. But let’s face it…most of time they don’t (this really goes for men and women). I’m not by any means saying nobody is capable of change. I’m just saying the majority of people don’t. Yet…we all fall into these traps and/or trends, wishing and hoping they’re going to be different from the last time.

My professor said we need to have a list of things we want in a mate. Just as we would when we buy a car, there are things that are must-haves (whatever is non-negotiable), optional (would be nice but not absolutely necessary), and lastly deal-breakers (no way, no how. It’s not happening!) That way we can evaluate who the person is and avoid any future breakups or heartaches.

Now it’s time to put my list out in the open.

Must-Haves

wants children/family oriented
appreciates/encourages education
ambitious
appreciates/encourages humanitarian efforts
honest
ability to compromise
sense of humor
loyal
lives a somewhat healthy/active lifestyle
loves sex
supportive
faithful

Optional:

never married
no kids
college degree
loves amusement parks
loves to travel

Deal-Breakers

unwilling to live a somewhat healthy lifestyle
unable to talk about emotions
doesn’t want children
controlling
doesn’t want to get married
rude and inconsiderate
uses drugs of any kind including marijuana

These are the things that I thought of off the top of my head. There may or may not be more.

If only everybody took the time to make a list and follow it.

Real Life single life

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real beauty?

by vivaciousdeb

Not too long ago, a good friend of mine (who follows this blog, so I know he’ll read this) made me really think because of a comment he made. He said “so, you and I wouldn’t be able to date because I’m not tall enough for you?” (see https://vivaciousdeb.com/2012/12/17/lowering-my-standards/) I know he wasn’t coming onto me, he was just making a point. We talked about it a bit and he continued to tell me “I always look passed the looks before anything else.” Granted, he’s also a very good looking guy and I’m pretty sure he can get any girl he wants. But that’s besides the point.

I mean, don’t get me wrong…I’m not 100% concerned about looks but as I mentioned before, height is a very important factor for me when choosing a guy. He asked me why. I actually hesitated to answer (because I guess I wasn’t even too sure why) and said “well, it’ll just look awkward and it makes me feel better.” As soon as I said that, I came to the immediate realization that it’s ALL in my head! I’m a big girl so I just feel that it’ll make me feel better if I was with somebody taller and bigger than me.

am I that insecure?

Apparently, I am! I dunno, I’m really starting to reevaluate my standards. Being the size that I am…I automatically get disqualified because let’s face it…nobody wants to date a fatty. Unless you’re a chubby chaser, but that’s a different story.

Anyways, I’ve lost weight. I’m starting to feel much better about myself physically, which is wonderfully! I know I’m an awesome person, I’ve always been told I have a great personality. But how will a guy know that if he doesn’t give me a chance? He’s missing out on being with somebody that could potentially make him really happy.

My point to all this rambling is: who am I to judge somebody by their height? Or weight? Or anything like that because I know I’m not the best looking person in the world (also not the worst looking). But I know for a fact that I am a genuinely good person with a good heart and could make somebody really happy, I just need a chance to show it.

How can I expect somebody to give me that chance, if I don’t give other guys that chance? I need to give somebody else that courtesy. I need to look passed these superficial qualities and focus on what’s important.

I’m going to really sit down and make a list of things I’m looking for and post it on here for everybody to see. I’m going to put a lot of effort into it so stay tuned, folks!

With all that being said….I’d also like to point out….that I don’t ONLY look for tall/big guys lol. There are other things that are very important to me, such us: being family oriented, love learning, somewhat healthy, honest, blah blah. I just wanted to throw that out there before anybody says there are more important things than being tall and what not. I’m very aware of that.

life in all its glory Real Life single life

6 Comments »

Pictures, pictures, pictures!

by vivaciousdeb

So WordPress gave us bloggers a challenge. DPchallenge When the year is coming to an end, you usually come across some sort of top 10/20/100 (whatever the number is).

I’m taking WordPress up on this challenge! Here are the top 10 picture no-no’s, for online dating profiles:
1. Is it really that bright? There is no need to post multiple pictures of you with sunglasses on. Are you the type of person to wear glasses inside? If so, you’re a douche. It is never THAT bright inside. Take them off. What the hell are you hiding?
2. How do you not have multiple pictures? You know the guy/girl that took multiple mirror shots but are slightly different. I mean, really? Do you not have any friends that’ll take pictures if you? Ridiculous. Or how do you have ONE picture? What are you hiding?
3. Clean your bathroom! I hate bathroom pictures. I don’t want to see your dirty ass mirror or sink. If you’re gonna do it, at least make sure it’s clean.
4. Is that your girlfriend? I don’t want to see pictures of you and some other broad. If its your sister….caption it!
5. Shirtless pictures are so two years ago. Okay, really though…not even two years ago. They were never “in.” I don’t want to see you half naked. That should be left to the imagination. You don’t see me flashing my titties.
6. Where the hell are your pictures?!? Why would you have a dating profile and not post pictures. What are you hiding? Are you married? In jail?
7. Why are you so far away??? Posting a bunch of pictures of you that are at least 50 feet away does NOT give me an idea as to what you look like
8. I just like to smile, smiling’s my favorite. I love to smile…I love taking pictures. I get it, I know not everybody is like that. But shit! Do you not smile AT ALL?!?! I don’t want to see a line up of mug shots. Liven up your pictures. I’d love to see your personality through your pictures.
9. I get it, you love your pet. I love my dog…I take a bunch of pictures of him, but I keep them on my phone! Occasionally changing my background images to my lil pup. With that beig said…is it REALLY that necessary to post so many pictures of your pet? I don’t even think one is necessary, but if you’re going to do it. Let it be ONE. It’s creepy when you have so many pictures of your pet. It’s not cute…just stop.
10. Alcoholic much? If you have an alcoholic beverage in EVERY single one of your pictures…it kinda looks like you may or may not be an alcoholic.

Thanks for the challenge, Daily Post.

Have any other no-no’s that I missed?!? I’d love to hear them!!

Also, Merry Christmas! Big thanks to everyone who follows my blog. It’s much appreciated.

Much love ❤

dating life in all its glory single life

26 Comments »

and the award goes to…..

by vivaciousdeb

When I first started this blog, I was a little worried that I wouldn’t have enough to write about. But awesome things keep happening!

I’ve decided I’m going to give “awards” to guys I come across. I don’t know what all of the awards are going to be, but my first one will be LIAR OF THE WEEK!

Now, I know body description is a hard one to answer. I have a hard time answer that because I don’t even know what my body is considered. Yeah, I’m overweight but I’m not obese. I’m listed as curvy but I constantly doubt myself and feel I should maybe put full figured just so guys don’t think I’m misrepresenting myself.

I’ve mentioned before I’m on a weight loss journey so on my profile I state that I’d like to find somebody that’ll be there next to me, while we support each other.

Anyways, this guy messages me and within that message he says “…playing softball which I do pretty regularly to socialize and get some exercise in.” Mind you, his profile says his body type is a little extra. This dude has a ginormous belly. I’m pretty sure my arms wouldn’t be able to wrap around it. I’m not judging, I’m a big girl. It’s not easy losing weight, but don’t lie about it.

SO…without further ado, I’d like to present this weeks “liar of the week” award to:

Trying to be careful with how much I show. But do you all see what I’m talking about?

Dude, you aren’t fooling anybody. That is NOT “a little extra.”

Awards life in all its glory OkCupid

4 Comments »

lowering my standards?

by vivaciousdeb

So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about whether or not I’m too picky. The days where my confidence is booming, I feel I’m not being picky because I deserve to be somebody that’s up to my standards. The days where I’m feeling a little bummed, I think maybe I should lower my standards because clearly something is going wrong if I’m 27 and very much single.

I’ve already lowered some of my standards but how low am I going to have to go? Before, I only wanted to date guys who were never married and didn’t have kids. HOWEVER, the older I get…the more I see how hard it is to find that, it’s nearly impossible. So, I had no choice but to change that. Now, I simply prefer they don’t have kids.

Also, I used to have a height requirement. Yeah, that’s ridiculous of me, I know. Get over it. My height requirement used to be 6’0″ but it’s been lowered to 5’10.” Certain days even about 5’9.” Even then…I feel that it’s getting lower and lower. I guess I should just want somebody the same height as me.

Anyways, I got an idea from another blog: http://talesofatvaholic.com/2012/12/16/am-i-too-picky/ . I am going to start tracking people I look at, contact, respond to, etc. THEN I’m going to calculate my level of pickiness.

I have some time off until school starts, so this should keep my busy! This is going to be legit, spreadsheet and all.

I’m looking forward to seeing my results, I hope you all are too!

life in all its glory Real Life single life

10 Comments »

first date jitters

by vivaciousdeb

We all get the feeling in the pit of our stomach when we’re about to go on a first date. We start thinking: I wonder if he’s going to like me? Is he going to find me attractive? Is he going to be as attractive as his photos? What’s he going to be like?

So many questions, so little time! I had a first date yesterday and boy was I nervous!!! We were getting along really well so far via emails/phone calls/texting. So it seemed as though there was high potential for B (can’t use his full name, obviously).

At first he was just as awesome as I was hoping he would be. But then the subtleties started coming out. We went Christmas shopping together because he needed help buying presents for his family and I still had a few people to shop for. Here’s (kinda) how one of your conversations went down:

Me: okay, let’s figure out what you’re going to buy. Who do you need to buy for?
B: everybody
Me: *laughs* can we narrow that down?
B: okay, my mom is one
Me: perfect! what does she do?
B: she sews
Me: hmmm…okay. What does she do for fun?
B: she sews
Me: what does she like to do?
B: I don’t know
Me: Don’y you live with her?
B: yeah
Me: okay, so you don’t know what she likes to do?
B: no
Me: *laughs* you’re making it really difficult for me to able to help you buy christmas presents!

This conversation happened about 3 other times about other family members. GEEZ! Talk about pulling teeth.

I realized at that point we’re probably not going to work out. Why? Because he’s not very close to his family. My family (and friends) are very VERY important to me, we’re all very close. I deal breaker of mine is somebody that isn’t family oriented. I was bummed…I thought he had potential!

I mean, there are a couple other reasons why I think we won’t work out…one of which is his awkwardness but we don’t have to get into that right now. Or even the fact that he kept touching my arm. Dude, first date. Get off.

My question is: How far do we go before we break things off? Am I supposed to give it at least one more date? Am I jumping to conclusions? (sorry, I realize that’s more than one question).

dating life in all its glory single life

7 Comments »

What am I doing here? Selling myself??

by vivaciousdeb

Writing a profile has been my least favorite part about online dating. A part of me feels like I’m just whoring myself. I mean…how can I accurately describe myself without revealing too much? When is it considered too much? What are my “selling” points? How do I get somebody interested in me? Because let’s face it…I am interesting.

Being that I have a mild case of OCD, I did some research on writing a successful profile. What did I come up with?

“show, don’t tell” meaning doing just list shit. Show people examples. Wait…What?!? LOL.
“don’t wear provocative clothing in your pictures.” Alright…I’m totally okay with that. Gotta keep the goodies to myself!
“post pictures of yourself smiling and having a great time.” done and done! Have you seen my big ass smile?

Anyways…there were so many articles I read…I did my best. I think? I tried reading and re-reading my profile a bunch of times before submitting it for approval.

Do I feel it really shows who I am as a person? No…not really. I have to try and hook somebody into my profile within seconds of reading. Otherwise, it’s onto the next! LOL It’s a brutal life out there, people. How many adjectives do I use to describe myself?? How much do they want to know upfront?

Do I tell them I love being freakishly organized but my room is often messy? Or about my compulsive need to finish a TV series if I start one on Netflix? Or the fact that I love singing obnoxiously loud with the music turned up really loud in my car? Or maybeeee…that I have a little bit of a compulsive nail polish buying habit?

All we’re doing on these dating sites is trying to sell ourselves. Figuratively, of course. Not trying to send the wrong message out there. I’m a classy lady.

life in all its glory

15 Comments »

Hello world!

by vivaciousdeb

Here i am…*cough*twenty *cough* seven and I’m having this love/hate relationship with the single life. Sure, it’s nice most of the time. But, when do we feel it the most? Holidays? Birthdays? Weddings? I’m sure we all have a moment at some point where we feel it would be nice to share with that “special somebody.”

What do we do about it? Some people try speed dating, blind dates, keep hitting up those bars and clubs in the hopes that you’ll find somebody, etc etc. But wait! There’s also ONLINE DATING. Yeah, I said it. Not only did i say it…I’ve been living the life of an online dater. dun dun dunnnn. It’s so taboo, isn’t it?

Some days it’s a joke (I mean…how are some people even allowed to make a profile) and other days, there’s a little glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel.

What am i going to blog about? Well…the answer is easy: my adventures that come with being an online dater. Some of the situations I find myself in are absolutely incredible and blog-worthy. I can’t just keep telling my friends about it, I’m sure it’ll get old at some point. Now is the time for me to shout it out from a mountain top!!!

I’m not going to talk about all the situations I’ve come across so far because that’ll take the fun out of my future blogs, duh. But I will give you a little preview:

How about a guy that showed up to our first date (at a movie theater, mind you…that should already be strike one!) wearing a freaking old school windbreaker jacket. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no fashionista, but a windbreaker?!? Seriously dude, those are so 7th grade. Also didn’t bother to comb his hair and awkwardly put his arm around me when the PREVIEWS started! When I came back from sneaking away, I put the arm rest down thinking he would get the hint. DID HE? No….no he didn’t. He put his arm around yet again. With the arm rest down. Yes, it’s very uncomfortable. I felt so bad for the dude, that I let it happen. I could only take it for about half the movie, and I finally had to move his arm. Was that it? No…there was also a very long, very awkward hug at the end of the night. This is for real, folks.

Or what about the guy that wanted to jump into a relationship after a couple of dates? How was I even surprised he turned out to be a possessive and controlling man? LOL. Come on, Deb…keep an eye out for those red flags waiving right in your face.

Or what about the dude that got so damn defensive about me not wanting to talk about “naughtiness” with him. This was our FIRST time talking via instant chat. So excuse me if I’d like to keep that stuff to a minimum. He started saying how I was judging him and was forming negative opinions about him already. No sir…those are issues you have in your own head because I politely tried to change the subject by not even making it a big deal.

Anyways, I’m looking forward to this blog. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do! Future posts probably won’t be as long though, so don’t worry! 🙂

Much love,

Deb

life in all its glory

13 Comments »