life in all its glory

to friend request or not to friend request?

on December 9, 2012

I wasn’t planning on my second post being about this, but something happened yesterday so I figured I’d seize the opportunity!

So I’m texting this guy yesterday (we haven’t in met in person yet) and it’s really only been less than a week since we first started talking and he asked me if I use instagram. I froze! I didn’t know how to respond. Do I tell him? If not, how do I let him down? I mean, he had the balls to ask me…I didn’t want to shoot him down and risk him never asking me again.

So my question is: when is it appropriate to bring in social media? is it ever appropriate?

I’ve been on a weight loss journey this entire year so for halloween I used the same costume and took a comparison picture from last year and present. Did I want him to see that? Do I want him to know about my true fat girl problems?

Man, my head filled with so many questions and scenarios about what could potentially happen. Do I want him to see my post promoting my blog? Would it intimidate him? I don’t want him to think “oh shit! I don’t want her blogging about me!”

Well, I did it. I told him my user name for IG. I went for it. BUT I did it after deleting my post about my blog. I felt it was the right thing to do.

After exchanging IG user names, our texting conversation got a lot better! We had more to talk about, conversation flowed better, and I think we got to see a little more about each others personality.

So far, so good I suppose. I wonder if it’ll cause problems in the future.

I’d like to think my IG is less personal than my facebook. Is there one social media that’s more appropriate than others to share?

I wonder what other people think about this. Thoughts?

18 responses to “to friend request or not to friend request?

  1. Dating Fresh says:

    This is a fantastic question and I also do not have an answer. Connect over social media too early and you are giving a lot of information to someone who you don’t have a basis for trusting. Refusing to connect, however, makes you look like you have something to hide. I typically do not connect unless prompted, and then I amp up privacy settings if I do. Glad to hear it seems to have worked out for you!

  2. I always lean on the side of caution. I do think its important to not have anything to hide but…I gotta say be careful and like the previous poster said, up your privacy settings. Be careful is all πŸ™‚ Just my .02

  3. Ian says:

    Hmm, I’m going to go a bit more black and white on this one. I think asking for someone’s social media info is really tacky. Any guy asking for it is likely just trying to get more photos, or has a lack of boundaries. When you meet someone through online dating, there is an unsaid, and understandable bit of anonymity involved. This is why we use usernames as supposed to real ones. If any guy asks, just tell him it’s too soon, and it’s not him…but lots of creepers online and you have to be careful. If he doesn’t understand, he’s a douche πŸ˜‰

  4. luvnlr says:

    I have the same problem with guys wanting to add me on Facebook from online dating….I call it the blackhole, I add them and the communication tethers off and they just become a lurking friend on Facebook. I sometimes wonder too if that’s because of my previous “fat girl” pictures. So I’ve gotten to where I just don’t add people to my Facebook page anymore.

    • dsantos85 says:

      it’s nice to see that there are other people who have gone through this as well! i’ve also gotten to the point where i don’t add any people i don’t know on my facebook, great minds think alike! πŸ™‚

  5. Hannah Alyse says:

    Such a great topic! I get weird in general with social media etiquette. Meaning I just never know what it is πŸ™‚ I think it scares me more within the dating sphere. I would give it I guess. Maybe it just quickens the process? Like in your situation it could have gone two ways- conversation dwindles or strengthens. (Glad it worked out well!) But either way, isn’t that good? I also think that so much can be taken out of context or be too much if someone doesn’t know me. Like the old fat pics (I’m so glad other people are bringing that up) and comments I make. I don’t know, but I love the points being made.

    I’m so glad I now know about your blog! I LOVE hearing dating stuff.

  6. Atypical Aryan Librarian says:

    You’re braver than I… or perhaps more subtle. Haha. My blog is more or less a secret from my friends and family, though, so they’d never see that one. Haha. I’m glad it helped though!

  7. Don’t feel obligated to share your personal webites (Facebook, Instagram, etc.), with a potential date. It’s smart to maintain a certain level of privacy, especially with someone who you don’t know intimately.

    – K.

  8. Chris says:

    In my online dating days, I found that giving away social media before meeting in person to be really ineffective. Rather than letting the potential significant other go through all the photos you have on FB (and judge you), it’s best to keep their appetite whetted and force them to see you in person and judge you that way. As I tell my students, online is only a means of generating leads when you can’t be out running daygame or you can’t be at a bar… say at 7 pm on a Tuesday. Online is for when your social circle is offline (i.e. everyone is at work). Otherwise, you should always be pursuing the traditional avenues of generating leads and meeting people. Your instincts, perfected by ages of evolutionary processes, can tell you far more in moments than hundreds of profile questions ever could.

    The real lesson I learned from online dating is that it doesn’t work- there’s no “risk”… as in you both know why you’re there and talking. It takes the element of surprise out of it… it begins to feel contrived (because it is!). Also (and most importantly), when two people share no mutual friends and come from completely unrelated social circles, bad personality traits tend to flourish in relationships that started online. Example: boy and girl meet on POF or OKC. They have no mutual friends. Girl (or boy) acts totally mental. Controlling, jealous, whatever. Normally, the offender doesn’t do this in relationships, but there is no social consequence for the bad behavior due to no mutual contacts surveying the situation.

    Maybe online will work for the younger people (25 and younger), but for the rest of us, we have enough traditional programming in our heads that we tend to see through the illusion. Remember that when dealing with today’s men, you’re dealing with a group whose minds have been shaped by the inadequacies of pre-sexual revolution courtship training taught in a post-sexual revolution world- those are the boys that end up friend zoned. You’re dealing with the male half of the so-called “Peter Pan Generation”… the eternal video game player. You’re also dealing with a generation who (with very few exceptions) are addicted to internet porn. Likewise, on the female side, Carrie Bradshaw Syndrome reigns supreme: the expectation that (like Carrie Bradshaw) a woman should be caught in a horrific limbo between the pre- and post-sexual revolution styles of courtship, as well as being conflicted in terms of “do I want a career” vs. “do I want a family”. Today’s women have been taught to be confused, while the men have been taught that eventually a woman should consider catering to some very bizarre fetishes.

    I can go on and on… but it’s finals.

  9. Good for you for at least putting yourself out there!! I live in a really small town and it seems like online dating is one of the best options left. But after my latest experience (before my marriage…..and yes, I’m single again…..whole other story), I’m a little nervous about putting my toe back in that proverbial pool. I love your stories!!

  10. […] THEN….he wanted to exchange instagram accounts. I’ve written a post about social media before. I’m not a fan of sharing these things early on when talking to somebody. My social media […]

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