OkCupid | thirty-somethings

does your voice matter?

by vivaciousdeb

Because apparently it does to some people.

Let’s call him Mr. Voice. We really hit it off on OkCupid. Felt like we were into some of the same things, on the same page of what we were looking for. Cute. Very responsive to messages.

It all escalated pretty quickly. Within the same day of us first talking, we exchanged numbers. We texted regularly for about a day or so. Then he became kinda fixated on hearing my voice. Saying he wanted to talk on the phone. I couldn’t that night, cause I was going out with friends. He ended up sending me a cute audio message saying good night or whatever. The next day, I sounded like a smoked a whole pack of cigarettes the night before….so I didn’t really wanna talk on the phone lol. He sent me another audio message. His messages slowed down. Barely heard from him. But, we texted a bit anyways.

The next morning, thinking I should maybe return the favor of the cute audio messages…I sent him one. Saying good morning and hoping he had a good day.

NEVER.HEARD.FROM.HIM.AGAIN.

If I already wasn’t self conscious enough about my looks. Now I gotta be self conscious about my VOICE?! What is wrong with people? Maybe he has a fetish with voices and it didn’t fit with what he likes? He was so fixated hearing mine. I have a hard time justifying his behaviors. But…why try….right?

Anyways. Online dating is rough! Trying to stay positive….without having too many expectations?

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Pet names

by vivaciousdeb

What is it with guys that use pet names right off the bat? Sweetie, babe, hun, love, baby etc. Mr. Jokester was like that. Also, another guy on OkCupid was like that too. I mean, literally every sentence he was saying something. Is that weird? Or am I weird for being annoyed?? We haven’t even met!!

That guy (let’s call him Mr. Insults). We had only exchanged a few messages and he kept pushing us meeting. Wanted to go to the movies (which let’s talk about the fact that going to the movies on the first time meeting, is already kinda weird) or then wanted to get coffee. Just made me feel uncomfortable why he kept pushing it. Mind you, he had complimented me a few times throughout the messages. But I just didn’t feel good about it. I told him “I don’t like this pressure to meet up. Sorry, I’m not interested.”

His response? : “You have a wig”

UH. WHAT? hahahaha….is that code for something? am I supposed to be offended?

What an interesting character. Wonders of online dating, y’all!

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Mr. Jokester

by vivaciousdeb

So, Mr. Jokester didn’t work out. I mean, can I catch a break? We didn’t even meet in person!!! He was a weirdo. Seemed like he has some emotional stuff to work through. Kept telling me that “all women are pyscho.” Talked about how he’s always be lied to, cheated on or taken advantage of. Seemed really insecure and gave conflicting messages. One second he’s saying he wishes people would make plans but then the other second he’s saying doesn’t like to make plans – a “go with the flow” kind of person.

What ever happened to courting? Why can’t I just get a guy to ask me out on a date?? like, a REAL DATE! Am I being too old fashioned??? Am I asking for too much?

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The X-Factor

by vivaciousdeb

Y’all remember Mr. I? If not, here’s a very depressing post about our break up: click here. Well, we never completely lost touch. Every now and again, he would message me on facebook and we’d engage in small talk. Never anything too crazy. There might have been one time (a couple years ago) where we talked about giving it another shot, but we didn’t do anything with it.

Fast forward to about a month ago, we were both back on OkCupid. He visited my profile – I messaged him joking around about him visiting me. A week later, I visited his profile. He messaged me. Then our conversation became a bit more serious. He told me he missed me. He asked if I’d consider giving us another chance. I said, I’d be willing to if we both made changes because we both contributed to the break up. He agreed and asked me out to dinner. At dinner, he made so many promises. About how I was his other half, and how he missed me so much. That he now knows that he should’ve put in more effort and he doesn’t want to mess it up this time. That he was “all in.” I ate it all up. I believed it all. I was cautiously optimistic but was all in too. About a week later, he asked me to be his girlfriend again. I loved it. He really was putting in more effort. I believed we were moving in the right direction.

But that all went to shit a couple weeks in. The effort slowly dissipated. I would go the entire day without hearing from him. Finally after a few days of barely hearing from him, I finally called him out. Then he became frustrated with me saying “I told you in the beginning that I was busy.” Nobody is that busy that they can’t send a quick message. Barely heard from him after that. I tried my best telling him that I support him and all that he does. He basically told me he wasn’t going to change for “anything or anybody.” Well, his true colors came to light. At least I saw it a month into the relationship and not a couple years in.

So that’s that. He came and went. I feel used. My ego is bruised. I know it’s for the best. Ex’s are ex’s for a reason, right? I should’ve known better.

The silver lining(s): I had been so desperate to date that I’d say I’d take anybody but I now see that I deserve to be treated with respect. Since it had been so long since I last dated, I felt really awkward about the whole thing. Now I’m ready. I’m ready to really try. I’m back on OkCupid and putting in effort. May the odds be ever in my favor.

To new beginnings. Cheers!

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damaged goods

by vivaciousdeb

I’m damaged. I can’t hang with online dating anymore. I’m fragile. I wish I wasn’t but it’s true.

I felt I really hit it off with a guy, we were sending these long and thoughtful messages to each other. He seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me. I was excited about meeting him. We went on a coffee date and I haven’t heard from him since. It sucks. I felt that it was a pretty good date but not enough for him to want to continue talking to me?

I just don’t think I can do it anymore. I get really excited about meeting somebody and then they aren’t interested in me. What am I doing wrong? Readers, I know you’re going to tell me I’m not doing anything wrong. Blah blah. Clearly something is wrong and the most common denominator is me. All this does is make me sad.

I disabled my OkCupid account. Whomp.

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it’s officially official

by vivaciousdeb

Last week when I signed up for OkC, I deactivated my profile after a couple hours. A few days after, I processed some stuff with my therapist, I decided that moving forward with online dating would be a good thing.

I gave Bumble and Coffee meets Bagel a shot. I even synced them with my facebook. I gave in. I hated both of them. Although, I will say…Bumble has a whole lot of attractive men. Too attractive LOL. I’m not confident enough for Bumble. Coffee meets Bagel has this whole thing where have you earn “beans” and certain things cost “beans.” It’s all a sham to get you to pay them even though they say they’re a “free” site. Dumb.

Then, I reactivated OkC. Again. I’m officially back on and using it regularly since starting up again a couple days ago. Have a consistent convo with a couple different guys. I guess we’ll see how it goes. I’ll keep you updated!

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inconsistency

by vivaciousdeb

I don’t know if this is just a guy thing or what…but…what is it with them being inconsistent?!? Do they think it’s okay to just disappear for a week or maybe two? There’s this guy I was texting…I haven’t heard from him in 8 days (I only know this from the time stamps on our texts). After a couple texts he has the NERVE to ask me for a picture. WHAT.THE.FUCK! I say “I haven’t heard from you in a week and then you ask for my picture?!” His response? “lol yes” WOW!! What in his mind makes that an okay thing to do?

There’s this other guy that I’ve been messaging back and forth on OkC and it’s been a little over a month. Of occasional messages that really have no meaning behind them. Just small talk “oh hows your day?” “it’s going well, just at work right now…” blah-di-blah.

I mean, why don’t these guys put some real effort in getting to know me?! I’m trying not to take it personally. I’m trying not to think “oh it must be me they don’t want to get to know” or “i’m not worthy enough for guys to get to know” but it’s getting really hard.

I know I have to be patient. The right guy will make the effort but it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t suck in the meantime.

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mr. incredible

by vivaciousdeb

Well, I think I’ve made you all wait long enough. It’s time I write about my current guy. I originally met him nearly two years ago. The first time we met, we went out a couple of times then he disappeared. Then a few months later be hit me back up and we started seeing each other again for a couple of months…soon after, he disappeared. The first time he disappeared because he got sick and we had just started seeing each other so he didn’t want to burden me with anything. The second time…it’s because he was so obsessed with work he couldn’t really handle a relationship. After he lost his job a few months ago, he had a bit of a life changing experience. He reevaluated his priorities and has come to the realization that everything doesn’t need to revolve around work.

After that second time (which was around December of 2011) I obviously wasn’t going to make any effort. Last week, I get a message from him on okc. I responded of course. It’s been wonderful ever since.

We hung out on my birthday last Friday and he told me about all his feelings for me. It was quite intense but I loved every minute of it. He made it very clear that he wants to be with me and won’t be disappearing on me. He’s here to stay this time around.

He’s so attentive, he’s always telling me how beautiful I am. When we’re together he makes it a point to always touch me whether its my leg when we’re sitting or holding my hand or putting his hand on my back. He also makes it known that he wants to see me.

I’m a pretty high strung person. I get anxiety over stupid shit and my OCD kicks in pretty often but when I’m with him…he calms me and it’s such an incredible feeling.

I had really strong feelings for him when we were seeing each other last time and as soon as I saw him again those feelings rushed back as if he never left.

Yes, he doesn’t have a great track record but I don’t care. I’m not going to live in fear that something bad may happen. He apologized for all that happened and said he wasn’t going to leave again. As of right now, I believe it. I’m going to go along with it and see where this path leads me. I’m looking forward to every minute of it.

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why match.com sucks

by vivaciousdeb

I think I’ve mentioned before that I’m on two dating sites. Why? Because all of the excitement I get from one just isn’t enough. I hope you picked up on my sarcasm there.

I’m on OkCupid and Match.com. Honestly, I just wanted to see how a paid site is vs. a free one. I get more guys messaging me on okc than match.

On Match, I did the 6-month guarantee thingie. Basically, you pay for six months and if you don’t find anybody in those six months, you get another six months for free. There are rules though:

Contact at least 5 new members per month (I usually contact much more than the required 5)
Have photo “visibility” (there isn’t a numbers you should have up but as long as we have something up there)
Profile visibility (this one seems obvious, if it isn’t visible…nobody can contact you. duh)

Last month I realized I wasn’t really getting ANY responses so at the beginning of the month, I reset the visitor number so I can see how many guys visit my profile and compare it to how many messages I was getting. So far, I’ve had 130 visits to my profile and out of those 130, I’ve gotten THREE different men contact me. Two of which I initially contacted. One was Mr. Linguist and the other just fell off the face of the planet. We exchanged numbers and a few texts but boom! He was gone.

The problem with Match is that only people who have paid subscriptions can have conversations. I noticed that some of the messages I was sending out weren’t even being read. Does that mean the “matches” coming up for me to check out aren’t even subscribed members? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT TO ME MATCH?! My options should be people I can actually talk to.

Out of those 130 views, only three people were interested in me?! WTF?

Some of those view could have been the same guy looking again, I usually do that when I first start talking to somebody so I can reference certain things in his profile. BUT STILL! I’m not going to lie, this is a little discouraging.

I’m about to finish up my sixth month on Match. Let’s hope I have more luck in the future.

On a completely unrelated note, I’m starting a 7 day detox/weight loss plan today. Today is day 1: fruits. It’s going to be an interesting week!

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the many men in my life (part 2)

by vivaciousdeb

didn’t get a chance to read part one? Click here.

Mr. Linguist and I were supposed to go out yesterday but that didn’t happen. When we planned it happened sorta like this: “Hey, let’s meet up next monday” “yeah, that’ll be wonderful!” That was it. Nothing else was decided. All of last week (until Friday) we were talking every day, throughout the day. Then come Friday morning, I stop hearing from him. We had only been emailing up until then, no phone numbers were exchanged. When Monday rolls around and I hadn’t heard from him practically all day…I kinda assume we’re not meeting up anymore. Right around 4pm he emails me saying “did you ever give me your phone number?” uhhh…no, no i didn’t. You never asked me for it. I gave it to him and he texts me like 10 minutes later and asks if I was ready for tonight. WAIT, WHAT?!

Was it wrong of me to assume we were no longer going out?? I told him since I hadn’t heard from him, I thought we weren’t going out and I had made plans. I lied, I totally didn’t. I mean, we were talking EVERY DAY….and I don’t hear from him from Friday morning all the way until Monday evening. Anyways, he said he understood but that he still wanted to see me. He handled it well. We’re meeting up tomorrow night instead.

Mr. Lazy Ass: as expected….that didn’t go anywhere. He said we should talk on the phone later on that night. I didn’t call so obviously it didn’t happen. Haven’t heard from him since.

Mr. Sexual: Oh Mr. Sexual, I kinda want to dedicate a whole post to him….but I’ll just get it all out there now. I broke it off it him. He was actually kinda nice to talk to but he’s just so oblivious to how to talk to women (at least that’s my theory, I could be totally wrong). Turns out, his last relationship ended in 2007. Yes, 6 years ago. Some people have stated that if it’s been too long since his last relationship…it’s a red flag. I don’t know if I agree with that…but it is what it is. Also, it’s been a year since he’s had sex. Our conversation went like this last night:

Him: is that where you’re going? Brazilian BBQ? (I told him I was going out to dinner)

Me: Oh no. those places are expensive!

Him: Oh hahaha. Ok I’ll remember not to take a date there.

Me: wow lol

Him: lol. what? too soon? (p.s. I don’t know what he was referring to here. I don’t know what too soon lol)

Me: No comment.

Him: lol. ok. yeah, I’m thrifty. [Pause] Besides why would I go all out on a woman I just met?

Me: so how long do you keep that sort of mentality? Is 3 dates considered somebody you just met? 5 dates? At what point do you splurge on your date?

Him: Depends on how she’s treating me. But I would say 5 to 7 dates and we better have an amazing night of sex.

Yes. Let that sink in. He said: we BETTER have an amazing night of sex. So he feels entitled to sex when he just so happens to splurge on his girl. Also, I’d like to just add a comment that I’m not a gold digger, I don’t choose guys based on their profession. I mean, remember the guy from speed dating? He was a doctor and I didn’t want to pursue anything with him. Anyways, I needed to get to the bottom of this conversation lol. Let me continue:

Me: So what are some places you’d take your date on those first 5 dates?

Him: Jeez, idk. probably a bar or coffee shop on the first. a nice but inexpensive restaurant on the second, shoot pool on the third, museum or wine tasting fourth. but there’s some room for deviation, I’m sure. [long pause] why does it matter anyway where i take a woman or how much i spend on her? Is she going out with me for me or for what she can get outta me? Or is where I take her or the amount I spend on her somehow an entitlement to her love and body?

Me: Whoa. There’s no need to get defensive. I was just curious to know where you’d take somebody on dates

Him: I’m not defensive. I’ve just always wondered. Women get so worked up about where a guy takes them on a date.

Me: I can’t explain why women do what they do. I can only explain why I do what I do.

Him: Dam, I was hping you’d give me some insight.

Me: You seem to think you have it all figured out. Since you think women get all worked up over dates.

Him: well, I just observe general trends based on my experience. I think If i really understood women, I wouldn’t be so sexually frustrated.

And there you have it. He thinks if he understood women he wouldn’t be so sexually frustrated and he would be getting some ass. Yes, that may be true but DAMN! Why is he so focused on sex?!? I mean, I know this is a huge thing for men….but keep it to yourself!! A woman you can potentially see yourself dating should not know this information.

So yeah, I broke things off with him. He’s way too concerned about having sex. Also, he said the only thing he missed about relationships is “sex and the occasional night out.” We then got into a conversation about the good qualities of a relationship and turns out all of his relationships have been all sorts of fucked up. His fault? I don’t know. But something is definitely off with this dude.

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