thirty-somethings

life in all its glory

do I dare?

on January 4, 2013

I’ve been speaking to this pretty awesome guy for about 3 weeks. I’m going to nickname him Mr. Calm and Collected. He’s very poised, calm, proper, and all around fantastic! He has a good job, he’s good looking, family oriented, and other great stuff!

We’ve exchanged a lot of messages and even though we haven’t met yet, I have a major crush on him. Every time I get a message from him I feel like a little school girl because I get all giddy (ridiculous, I know).  We’ve briefly talked about us hanging out in the future but no plans have been made. I did tell him initially that I like taking my time getting to know a person so is he respecting that? I’m sure he is. How long is too long?

I’m beginning to get very anxious! I want to meet him already.

Which brings me to the point of my post…do I ask him out if he doesn’t do it? How long should I wait? I mean, he’s got to be interested if he’s invested so much time in getting to know me, right???

On one side, I’m very traditional in the sense that I feel a guy should be the one to initiate the asking out (I know I may get some uproar about this) but on the flip side I’m a feminist and I believe there shouldn’t be an expectation of one person like that.

I’d love to hear what you all think!

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18 responses to “do I dare?

  1. Mike says:

    your thinking way to much about it, if he doesn’t ask, you do it. Or maybe he is waiting for you cause you want to take it slow. Either way just go on a date with the guy… sounds nice

  2. I prefer men to be forward and dominant. If he has a true interest in you then he will take initiative and plan a date. I hate email exchanges that run for too long. I say “disappear” for a few days and see if that prompts him to take any action.

    – K.

    • dsantos85 says:

      I TOTALLY agree with you! I would much rather him just take control of the situation. However, I did notice one of the questions he answered on OkCupid was that he’s really shy when it comes to asking women out.

      I like the disappearing idea! I may try that 🙂

      Thank you!

  3. Nae says:

    My advice is to not stretch out the time before you meet anyone off of the internet. The longer you wait, the more you build up the fantasy of what you want them to be/ who you think they are. Best to meet AS SOON AS you feel comfortable to avoid disappointment and heartbreak. Then you can fall in love with a realistic picture of a guy, not the fantasy.

  4. Debby says:

    I think every girl prefers for a guy to ask her out, but I wouldn’t wait for it either. I thing Nae is right, the sooner you meet someone in person, the better – that part can’t go fast enough, really. Maybe suggest something not really ‘date-like’, a quick coffee one afternoon eg.

  5. Debby says:

    PS, though… don’t settle for his time frame. Meet him at least 3 days later, so he doesn’t have the feeling you’re clearing your whole schedule just to meet him!

  6. impossibletodate says:

    Oh I love this. Have been here before! I’m exactly the same as you. Old school….man should ask a women. However…..if you like him I say totally go for it! He sounds great and he has clearly put in the effort. I say go for it!
    Good luck x

  7. ptown85 says:

    If you like the guy, then I wouldn’t go with the disappearing act. Speaking from my own experience when I see a girl is still active on the site, but no longer emailing me, I take this to mean that she has lost interest. OK. But, when I do hear from her two weeks later I assume she is only emailing me because she, herself, is no longer receiving emails from other guys. Whether true or not. I hate when girls play games, and if he’s a good guy then he’ll hate it too. I would suggest telling him that you think meeting up would be a good idea. This way he knows you’re cool with him asking you out, and he can still be the one to technically make the first move.

    • dsantos85 says:

      i always appreciate a guys opinion when it comes to dating. So thank you! I think your idea is the best. I will definitely throw it out there and let him make the decision. Thanks again! 🙂

  8. Solid advice from ptown85 if you ask me.

    I say that if you like the guy then just bite the bullet and ask him out. If you weigh it up, you have more to gain than you have to lose by asking him.

    Please don’t wait for 3 days or anything either. That kind of game playing won’t work on a shy guy, it’ll most likely just make him think that you don’t like him and cause him to retreat further into himself.

    Either way, good luck.

    • dsantos85 says:

      You and ptown are correct! I’m going to throw the idea out there and see what he says. I’ll also take your advice on not waiting three days. I’m going into this knowing he’s super shy so I know it’s a bit different lol. Thanks for your input! Much appreciated 🙂

  9. Chin Up, Chest High! says:

    Want a perspective from another slow-moving male?

    If you don’t want to ask him but he isn’t asking (for whatever reason) why don’t you drop a hint. Say something like “We’ve been talking a long time now. I think it’s about time we arranged a meet up. What do you think?”

    That lets him know you feel comfortable enough to meet him while at the same time offering him the lead in setting the date.

    Good luck!

    • dsantos85 says:

      I ESPECIALLY want to hear from another slow moving male! Thank you so much for your input.

      I mean, I know he’s interested because he’s spent so much time and effort getting to know me and I also know he’s really shy. So that’s why I even started considering being the one doing the asking out.

      I threw out the question: “Sooo…what do you think about us meeting?” Sure, it sounds a little awkward but I think that awkwardness is what makes me, me. 🙂

      thanks again for your input!

  10. […] confessions of an online dater – Also at age 27, she’s my female counterpart in the world of online dating.  Listen to what she’s got to say, people. […]

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